Follow Follow

I'm in a weird place right now, just this very moment. It's like i have this negative cloud just perched behind me, monitoring my every move, trying to remind me that.....that....it's there.

I can try and grab the bible and inject myself with a dose of faith and spirituality and God. Everything will be okay, God has ordained it so.

Or I can try clicking refresh on facebook several times willing it, God, willing it to just show something new that would take my mind of that....that cloud.

I can submit to it and go fully into depression mode.

How did I get here? (situation, not existence!)

Where am I going?

Is this the right decision?

Why Do I feel so out of water?

Am I just being lazy and not looking for a proper job or do I really believe in what I'm doing?

It's so intangible. Belief. How can I quantify it to anyone in explanation. Okay, I can have a job for Nx million or I have this belief that this is where i should go. Although right this minute it's more expenditure than income. This minute.

It's not the job alone though. In my relationships, I feel like I may not be saying the right things to the right people the right way. Nothing is structured with emotions flying here there and everywhere. I'm the one who has walked away from those who loved her, loved those who did not love her and could not love those that did. Confused?

Truly though, I feel like these are just demons, you know. Fighting these demons that's in my head, in my mind, in mind blood, telling me I cannot and will not achieve the things I want most to achieve. They are not real. I know. It's my fear. I know. But my fears are taking on lives of their own, pulling up cushions and lodging themselves in my consciousness. Why is this so important to me anyway?

This fish is out of its fishbowl. I'm feeling a bit of fish outta the water. Me. The accidental entrepreneur.

I never wanted to be an entrepreneur. Ever since I was little and decided I wanted to be a bigshot power business executive, I always dreamt of the top floor, corner office, wielding and dealing, but never wanted that top floor to be of my own building! In fact I used to always say while I was in college, "I'm not an entrepreneur", so I never took any of those classes. Nope. My dream was Fortune 500. Now look at me. The accidental entrepreneur.

I'm just following the flow. Going wherever my feet is taking me and whatever seems to be the next logical step. Foot forward. But there's so much instability EVERYWHERE. I think it could kill me.

I've been having panic attacks for the last 3 weeks and I'm afraid to face the fact that I know why. That I'm constantly checking, where is my paycheck gonna come from? And then I muster up some faith and stubborness, then pick up a bible......

Something in me tells me, this is a growth period for me. It doesn't make it any less difficult. A line from one my favorite movies (Evita) says "sometimes it's difficult to keep momentum when it is you that you are following."

So I'm testifying here with this post. It is difficult to follow yourself, your heart.

He who has ears, let him hear.

1 comments:

Josephine said...

Just Hang on.
U already took a very brave step by becoming an entrepreneur..... It's never easy having your own business. The 1st few months or maybe 1st cpl of yrs (even) will be challenging - testing period.
Keep telling that cloud to leave u. U can do it.
atta gurl!